Beat Depression

He never actually hit me. That’s not what I was worried about. It was the pushing and slapping and grabbing that bothered me because he didn’t consider it abuse. Sometimes I wished he would just do it. I wanted him to punch me so I had a real reason to leave. I was never comfortable with the way he treated me, but he convinced me that it wasn’t abuse. He said nasty things to me all the time. Calling me a fat slut and a whore nearly every day started to get to me. “You know I’m just joking, baby doll,” he’d say, but I didn’t really know. It got to the point where the verbal abuse was more harmful than the physical. I could deal with bruises, but I couldn’t deal with the heartache. I’d cry almost every time I saw him. I’m still not sure why I went back. It had something to do with the fact that I started to believe him. I never changed for him. He hated it. After past abusive relationships I realized I had to live for myself. I think I scared him, which made it worse. The tougher I grew, the more and more the abuse would come. He’d grab my boobs in public places and push me on the ground, making harsh remarks. People would look at us with worry and then look at me like they were ready to call the police if I just gave them the word. I never did. I didn’t want to make it public because I was scared of losing him. The sad thing is, even if I had told someone, nothing would’ve changed for the better. He would’ve denied the whole thing, and he’s extremely convincing, and he never did anything in public that would be considered “abuse.” But I know now that it was. I broke up with him. He begged for me to go back, promising me things would change. They got worse. The last words I said to him before I left for college were “get out of my fucking car.” He did. I haven’t seen him since. I met so many people here. I can’t believe how nice they are. It really made me appreciate some of the people in my life, like my dad. He’d never hurt my mother intentionally. So many of my friends would never do that either. I promised myself I’d never get into another relationship like that. The first sign of abuse, and I’m gone. That’s the problem with women these days. They don’t think the first remark or slap is a problem, and it might not be a huge problem; but when it gets to the point where you can’t do anything for yourself, it’s too late. Abuse is never okay, no matter what the case is. You may think that your loved one is your true love, but if he’s abusive, I can promise you that he’s not. There are so many wonderful people out there, it just may take a little time to find them. I finally realized that I had just been looking in the wrong place the entire time.

- Anonymous, 18