Beat Depression

I want to continue my story from the last but I will actually start from the beginning up till that point . . . . . . .

I was born into a loving family but my father was a work-aholic- never hardly home.. i was always with my mother no matter what i was doing or where i was going.. she took me everywhere.. we talked about everything.. i was never afraid to tell her anything. My father was a stern man.. never understanding, and never there when i needed him. When he showed up on my birthdays i felt like there was a stranger there.. i didnt know him well at all.. He never let us deprive from anything however. He always gave my mom money to buy us what we wanted no matter what it was.. but he never showed my sister and i the most important thing.. fatherly love.. i guess he didnt know how to be a father or what to do.. therefore he hid behind his work as an excuse. My mother was always into riding and showing horses. From day one i was riding and loved it completely. My sister however was not the type and would rather be putting on makeup or playing in the park. My mother never favored.. she love d us both individually and equally. My sister was older and i always found myself wanting to be her.. she always lit up the room when she walked in. I could tell my father favored her from how she looked so much like my mother.. and i always wondered why i looked niether of my father .. mother.. or anyone else in my family.. years went by and i became one of the best horsebackriders in the state- i was 10 years old and i won the Open jumpers out of 34 other competitors.. i think that will be one of the most memorable things in my life.. thats when i realized i am not a nobody.. i am someone.. someone people look up to. I had many friends from childhood but only one was my best.. I can recall the things we did together just like yesterday, most though we were sisters.. we looked so much alike, and our passion for horses seemed as if it would never burn out. At the age of thirteen i was invited by an Olympic trainer to ride for her - i had also qualified for the world champion ships!!! I just couldnt believe it. I called my best friend Shannon and told her all about it- she was thrilled as well because she was going to be showing in the Pony Club Rally in Lexington Kentucky the next week ! I was so excited and knew this was going to be one of the best times of my life. Shannon called me the next afternoon and asked if she could borrow one of my nice saddles to show in for the Rally- i surely agreed and told her i would meet her at a local fun horseshow often held on friday nights. The next after noon i cleaned the saddle i told her she could use and my mother took me to the horseshow. I unloaded my horses and waited.. and waited..yet waited more.. then my mother recieved a call on her cell phone.. i thought it was Shannon and i told mom to tell Shannon to hurry.. that the horseshow was about to start. Her face soon turned into shock and fear.. i knew something was wrong. She hung up the phone and turned me with the most simpathetic yet scared look i had ever seen upon my own mothers face.. her voice turned into a sad whisper.. she said to me .. “Shannon was leaving the practice barn from practicing for Rally for next week..and her father pulled over the railroad tracks and a train struck them tearing the horsetrailer and truck apart tossing them and landing far away.” I was so full of shock and wanted to know if she was ok .. she just looked at the dirt then looked back at me and she said .. “No honey.. shes dead.. she was killed on impact.” Those words choked me from breath. I couldnt stand.. i fell to my knees and then sat down in shock. My best friend of 9 years was dead.. the only one i had and trusted to anything. My riding companion i wanted to know for life.. she was gone.. forever..

Her funeral was an array of family and friends.. yet i sat alone.. hestitating as i walked up to her open casket, they she lay.. the life gone from her eyes and skin.. no smile upon her face.. only the deadness left with her.. her soul was gone. I put my hand on hers and bursted into tears.. i told her im sorry that she never got to go to Rally and ride her horse.. which is now crippled permanantly and can never be ridden again .. from the horrible accident. I told her i loved her and asked her to wait for me at the gates of heaven .. i walked back down the three steps from the casket and sat again in the back row.. she was buried that day.. but before they closed her casket permanently i pulled a picture from my pocket.. one of us when we were 6 years old.. and we had both gotten our first horses.. sitting on them smiling as big as we good.. i looked at the picture and kinda smiled remembering that day .. so long ago. I walked one last time bac k up to her casket .. touched her hand.. and slipped the picture under her hand.. the casket was locked and a peice of me went with her forever.

Three months later…..

I was still showing and riding though i never went to the world championships .. the death of my best friend had set me back mentally and i knew i was not stable to go…

My mother awoke me the morning of June 12th - 3 days after my 14th birthday. I raised in bed and i felt the strangest fear come over me..something was wrong.. or something was going to happen.. this again would be a day of my life i will never forget. I took and shower, dressed and sat down at the kitchen table. My mom had fixed my sister and i breakfast. I ate fast still feeling that wierd feeling in the pit of my stomach. After breakfast my sister went to a friends house.. mom and i headed out for the barn to get the horses ready and head for a show. By 6pm the horses were loaded and we were off. My father showed up at the horseshow as i was tacking up one of my horses. He normally didnt come to my horseshows so i was surprised to see him there. The night went on and it was my turn to show.. i mounted my black pony inwhich my father had bought for me 2 weeks before.. we all knew this pony had ben abused in the past by someone but didnt think anything of it.. we were sure s he would sooner or later begin to trust us in time. I always kept a keychain with a cross on it hanging from my saddle for luck . It fell off when i mounted and began to walk away. My mom quickly picked it up and attempted to hand it to me. At that very moment i felt that sickening feeling again and i screamed out “mom stop!!” but it was to late .. the pony wheeled around and started kicking .. again and again - i hit the horse over and over trying to distract her and make her stop kicking .. i looked behind me and saw my mother begin to slump over holding her stomach falling slowly to the ground.. i jumped off the pony’s back and to this day i dont know how i did it.. but i broke her fall and she landed ontop of me. I quickly gathered her in my arms and asked her where she was hurt.. she just said.. “my stomach is burning”.. i just held her and kissed her on her forehead and yelled for someone to call an ambulance.. when i looked up i saw that pony standing there glaring do wn at me.. looking in my eyes.. i saw the evil in her.. if there was such a thing.. i saw it deep in her .. she turned and walked away about 15 yards and stood then dropped her head almost as if she was ashamed of what she had done. My father came running from the stands and asked my mother if she was ok.. she didnt answer.. she just looked up at me while i held her up in my arms .. at this point i was beginning to feel the fear of reality hit me.. i was tearing up.. tears falling from my eyes to my own mothers face.. and she looked in my eyes and said ” Shannyn.. everyone has a time to die.. God takes us.. we dont have a choice.. and this is my time..my time to leave you and this will be the hardest thing you will ever have to pull yourself through in your life.” I just held her closer and kissed her again on her cheek. Then she whispered the last thing i would ever hear from her mouth alive.. “dont ever stop riding .. and i love you Shannyn.” The parametics took her from m y arms and lifted her onto a table.. my father took me by the shoulder and began to lead me away from her.. I was in a daze.. shocked by reality and what had happened. I rode back to the barn with my father to put the horses up.. then head for the hospital.. as i put the pony back in her stall she walked to the corner and once again dropped her head. My father and i left and heading for the hospital…

As my father and i walked out of the elevator this was a different scene.. and very scary one.. nurses running up and down the hall and i could hear doctors shouting for more things and “faster faster!!” I felt like my heart was in my throat, as i approached the waiting room were my family sat awaiting news of my mother. I walked in with my father and we sat down side by side. I simply stared at the floor hoping the next news would be the best . Minutes went by and doctor entered the room and asked to speak with my grandparents (my moms parents) and my father alone - he also said we could go visit her if we would like . i waited for my grandparents and father returned from around the corner.. my grandmother in tears .. she walked over to me and took my hand and asked if i would like to see mom and i said yes.. I stood and she guided me to a spot to a room down the hall surrounded by curtains.. i walked through the curtains and it felt like i was walking into another world.. i looked down and saw blood on the floor.. blood.. my moms blood..i looked up and there my mother laid.. under a blood covered sheet .. tubes coming out from under it.. and her arm hanging down from the table.. i dont know how i kept myself under control.. i walked over the blood and took her hand in mine..my grandmother whispered in my ear.. “she can hear you only.. she can hear what you say..” I looked at my moms face.. asleep like but i could tell she was in pain. I told her i loved her .. and i would never stop loving her.. how i couldnt wait to be with her once again in heaven.. then i kissed her on her cheek ..i then felt the most unduring thing.. she lightly squeezed my hand… i was so much torn apart inside.. i felt a fear of not knowing what i am going to do… i was now alone in the world of strangers.. I walked back to the waiting room and sat down… 33 minutes later the same doctor came to the room and asked to speak with my father . . but he openly said.. if theres anything to be said about our Sherre.. we have no secrets you can say it infront of our family.. I looked up at the doctor, and i could tell he was scared yet nervous.. he looked back at my father and said “We couldnt get the internal bleeding from the liver to stop.. her heart has stopped.. she has passed away.” I just sat there lost as ever tears streaming from my face.. for the first time in my whole life i saw my dad begin to tear up.. but he held it back.. i could tell he was full of regret and hurt inside.

My mothers funeral was filled with every purple rose within 50 miles that could be found. My mother loved purple roses.. The funeral was a closed casket since she was so different now from the drugs etc.. the doctors had put in her to help stop the bleeding.. My sister sat alone as so did i.. but i will never forget once again walking up those steps to where my mother lay in that casket dead. I had 2 roses in my hand and i took one and laid it ontop of the casket. I looked over to a women that worked for the funeral home and she walked up to me and said.. “if you would like.. i will put that rose in your mom’s hand before we lock the casket permanantly.” I looked into her eyes and told her how grateful i would be if she would do that for me. I look back at the white casket and said out loud “I Love you Mom” and walked back down those steps to were i was seated.

The months went by like lonely lost torture inside me.. my father saw how lonely i was.. i felt like i was living with a stranger.. so he went out and bought a computer.. for me.. so i could stay home and talk with people .. not having to interract with them..
This was the beginning portion of my life.. and i am sure i will have even more things to overcome in the future..

To all the teens out there .. dont give up.. theres always hope. My life is just a book of many.. maybe of many that are even sadder than mine. Look into your hearts and you can find love again.. it never leaves you.. sometimes it just buries itself so deep .. its hard to dig it up again.. but thats what carries you on..
If i can make it.. YOU CAN TOO

-Shannyn, 17, MS